Dear Boyfriend,I want you to know something. Your friend's girlfriend did not change him. This mythological creature of the friend he was before he was dating her never existed. He may have been a playa before he met her. Why is that particular change a bad thing? She did not change the person that he is. His personality is the same as it ever was.
Yes, he spends time with her. Yes, he may even love her. Yes, he brings her around sometimes without telling you. Yes, sometimes they leave early when she gets bored. Yes, sometimes he decides he'd rather take her out to dinner than go bro out. Yes, he's more cautious when she's around, he doesn't drive as crazy as when he's alone.
His personality has not changed. He now has a girl, who he cares about. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you any more. He's still your friend, but until you learn to withhold sex from him he will choose to spend time with her over you sometimes. He will also choose to spend time with you over her, and she will probably be offended sometimes. Girls like to have attention paid to them by those that they love. Scratch that,
people like to have attention paid to them by those they love.
She is also very aware that you feel this way about her. He is also aware that you feel like this. It makes it awkward, have you not noticed that? He probably comes around less often
because he knows you feel that way. If you would allow the girlfriend to be a friend too, or at least an acquaintance rather than an annoyance, you would see more of him because he wouldn't fear bringing her around.
You know those friends of yours that we don't see often because they think I "stole you"? You're being the same kind of dick, but cannot pull your head out of your ass far enough to see it.
Grow Up.
Love, An Agitated Girlfriend
Comments (46)
I feel ya on this. lol.
When I dated (and even with just friends) a lot of their friends disliked me. Which always made it so weird. And I always felt so bad for making it weird.
Yay! Go Baba! *does a happy dance*
@BeautifulDisaster04 - Makes perfect sense to me.
@Loonsounds - *blush* Thanks!
Awesome post! Great reading, and I"ve seen this happen too. Unfortunately, it can rip relationships apart that otherwise were just fine.
More people need to realize that we're all individuals and we all make separate choices and sometimes we won't agree with those choices. No need to get all angsty and annoyed with it, everyone else does it as well!
Great post, yet again. :)
Man, I'm lucky I've never had people that "mattered"dislike me.
I don't understand why people need to change just to get along with their SO's friends.
"He's still your friend, but until you learn to withhold sex from him he will choose to spend time with her over you sometimes. "
so the guy (boyfriend) is gay?
HA, perfect. My boyfriend's best friend (who is his ex) thinks I "stole him", when I most certainly did not. Perfect letter!
I'm having trouble following the perspective in this, perhaps because of the next to last sentence. But then it wasn't written to me. :D
I'm totally going to start withholding sex from my friends now to ensure that they come see me more often... not that I had sex with them in the first place, but ehh... I'll find a way! haha.
Good post though.
I totally agree. I always let my boyfriend do what he wants, say what he wants, talk to whom he wants, and hang out... with whomever he wants! Sure, sometimes I'll get bored and a little lonely when he chooses to hang out with friends over me, or just wants a day to himself, but that's just how it is. He can't be with me 24/7, and I understand that he had relationships with other people before he met me, and I respect that. Yet still people have the audacity to say he "changes" when he's with me. Wake up moron, maybe that's because he's with the girl he's in love with when he's with me. You're not his girl, and he's not in love with you, so shove off! When you finally get your own freaking girlfriend/boyfriend and know what it's actually like then maybe you won't be such an immature, idiotic douche!
*ahem*
Well. I didn't realize I had so many feelings on this topic. I started to picture the particular people I know who pull this kind of crap and I got a little carried away.
Heheh... ugh.
lets just say that was how it was for me an Robbie.. my hubby
While I agree with this, I have also had too many friends completely drop off the face of the earth when they started dating someone. I understand that a person will spend more time with their significant other, but sometimes they cut people out completely, and that sucks.
SO familiar. Only, it's usually catty girl friends mad about the new boyfriend in their circle.
Gyaah!!! You hit it on the nail! Most guys need to hear this...I usually wind up becoming friends with my boyfriends friends, and I'm still friends with them even when we break up. One of them winded up being one of my best friends.
Yeah can you write this letter to my friends about my boyfriend?
I try to be very open with my boyfriend. I like him to hang out with others. I know he likes spending time with me, but sometimes you just have to have a change of pace. I don't blame him. He doesn't blame me. And it doesn't mean we like each other any less.
So, so true. Except I think a lot of people (I daresay most) feel this way at some point, or multiple points.
I can so relate to this post. My boyfriend's friends didn't like me when we first started going out even though they knew nothing about me. As time went on they accepted me and saw that I wasn't all that bad, but once I got to know them I didn't like them. It doesn't matter now because none of them talk to him or us because of stupid reasons. Basically they were never good friends to begin with.
Very original! And so true too. It really makes me think, because I've even occasionally been guilty of thinking my friends are changed because of their significant others.
@cmdr_keen - I've seen this kind of crap rip open both romantic relationships and friendship relationships - it's horrendous.
@free2chuze - We shouldn't have to. I think the problem is that if someone really cares about their SO, they are going to try to fit in with their friends so that they can all hang out and have it not be weird. I know I attempted to fit in with my boyfriend's friends - miserable FAIL - but I did it because it was important to me for him to know that his friends are important and a part of who he is. (I hope I explained that well. It felt a little awkward.)
@Gerald_Washington - Haha. No. I'm making the point that the friends are not having sex with each other, so until that's an issue - sex is going to be something they turn to other people for.
@NaritaiAtashi - Haha, that's alright. You feel the same way about this issue that I do. =]
@Dargon - It does happen, unfortunately. But I've seen it far more often that the friends disappear when a significant other becomes part of their friend's life.
@SecretNeverTold - This definitely works for "The Boyfriend" Stigma too.
@MarksBeneathTheSkin - Exactly. SOs should have seperate groups of friends, but just because they occasionally go to dinner together with one group doesn't "change" who they are.
@Laryssa - @IfonEarth - I've been guilty of thinking it too, but I hadn't really been the victim (myself) of "The Girlfriend" Stigma until recently, and it completely changed the way I think about my friend's SOs.
@into_the_lens - Yeah, and I can totally see where you're coming from now. I'm really glad you gave me something to think about it. In the future I'll be more careful about my judgments for sure.
I know how you feel.